Monkeybar Madness

Mum, trying to pry me
from the bars

I often wonder if I'm an overprotective parent. As my son tries to walk, I hover near him to catch him before he kisses the floor. As I push him on the swing, I stand under the bar to catch him as he loops the frame. As I take him out for a drive, I strap him into his body-forming, neck-cradling, five-point-harness, side-impact-resistant space capsule. Is this all a bit excessive? No, I don't think so, and yet, as a child, I used to engage in the most ridiculous forms of play almost everyday at school without adult supervision.

I am, of course, talking about the most terrifying of all school yard implements of doom - the Monkeybars, AKA the Jungle Gym, the Climbing Frame, the Borg Cube of Death, etc. Here was a structure, made of steel pipes maybe 5m³, setup for children to play on. On top of that, kids weren't just using this piece of architecture to simply 'climb'. No, we used to race from point to point in 3 dimensions, playing tag (catching), or just to hone our balance skills for the day the ninja academy decided to recruit some fresh meat. Usually this all happened at the same time as various groups of kids tried to play their games in spite of each other.

Looks innocent enough until you realise that the bars at the bottom have been dented by the broken bodies of falling children.
Image Source: Wikipedia

Looking back at it now, why in the world would anyone have approved such a thing? Kids would try leaping between rungs, sometimes directly across, sometimes across and down a level or two. Others would run along the top of the structure just to show how badass they were. There must have been a gap of a meter across! That's just crazy, in hindsight. We're talking about kids between the ages of 6 to 12 play acting like Jackie Chan. I've seen someone dislocate their shoulders from a fall performing those stunts. There were rumours of kids failing to get a good grip and plunging down, smacking their heads and teeth on the rungs as they fell. Back in those days, we didn't have soft foam mats or thick layers of bark to break our falls, just a hard and unforgiving earthen patch. Despite this setup for The Darwin Awards, we still went back up there to play, addicted to the adrenaline, and if we got injured, we would get to skip a couple of days of school, or a caning.

I remember watching a scene from Superman II when a kid was playing at Niagara Falls alternating his grip on some handle bars. He lost his grip, fell, and was saved by Superman. That last part never happened to me on the jungle gym.

Picture this without the waterfalls in the background or Superman to save your ass.

The other thing I remember about the Monkeybars was that the steel bars got extremely hot during the day. Imagine trying to pole-dance while gripping a searing hot rod between your thighs for no other reason than it's a stupid idea. Now imagine kids trying to climb up a blisteringly hot scaffold while gingerly gripping onto the rungs. Yeah, not such a good idea for school any more, is it?